Tag Archives: humour

Popbitch – 11.07.13 Issue 650

(It wasn’t me!)

Doorknob

The Phantom Penis Penner strikes!

From the dreariness of the show, you wouldn’t know that anyone on The Voice had a personality – but one of the contestants obviously did. He used his time on the show to secretly draw cock and balls all over the set. Signs, graphics, walls – everything got a large dick etched on it.

The producers went nuts – ordered the set to be completely cleaned. Time passed, new graphics and signs were made and the team were quietly pleased when the Phantom Penis Penner was eliminated. Until one day, towards the end of the show, they went for a meeting in a quiet room at the back of the studio, closed the door… and saw a huge penis drawn all over it.

From Popbitch

From the annals of the Profanisaurus

trilogy
n. Also known as brown Star Wars. A turd of such epic proportions it has to be released in three instalments. The first can stand on its own as a complete adventure. The second links to the first, but has a dark, inconclusive feel generating an air of foreboding and leaving itself wide open for an unknown ending. The final chapter has drama, excitement and moments where you think all is lost. A grand battle is waged where good overcomes evil and peace is restored in your arse.

From the Viz Profanisaurus: Das Krapital app for iPhone

From the annals of the Profanisaurus

twat hour
n. The times of day, typically around 8.30 am and 3.30 pm, when every road near any school in Britain is brought to a halt by large numbers of parents attempting to reverse their enormous off-road vehicles into 8-foot parking spaces.

Sorry I’m so late. I hit twat hour just as I turned onto St Paul’s Road, Cambridge. I was stuck outside Sancton Wood School for two hours while some fuckwit drove her VW Touareg backwards and forwards 635 times without turning the steering wheel in the hope that it might somehow magic the thing into the fucking space.’

From the Viz Profanisaurus: Das Krapital app for iPhone

From the annals of the Profanisaurus

big mac
1. n. A disappointing hamburger, consisting of two tired, grey pieces of meat, random, sorry-looking vegetation and traces of unidentified mayonnaise-like liquid.

2. n. A high street fast food that looks and tastes like 1.

3. n. A carefully chosen, artfully lit and meticulously composed photograph of the sort used by a rough female on a social networking site to ensure that her image is as misleadingly attractive to the eye as possible. Named after the laughably-unrealistic burger photographs displayed above the counters of certain litigious fast food restaurants, that bear scant resemblance to the dishevelled objects their customers find in the box after purchase.

From the Viz Profanisaurus: Das Krapital app for iPhone