From the annals of the Profanisaurus

trilogy
n. Also known as brown Star Wars. A turd of such epic proportions it has to be released in three instalments. The first can stand on its own as a complete adventure. The second links to the first, but has a dark, inconclusive feel generating an air of foreboding and leaving itself wide open for an unknown ending. The final chapter has drama, excitement and moments where you think all is lost. A grand battle is waged where good overcomes evil and peace is restored in your arse.

From the Viz Profanisaurus: Das Krapital app for iPhone

I’d be an idiot to let this pass

From The Desk of Mr Ahmed Mukhtar.
Branch Manager National Bank of Abu Dhabi
Municipality Cash-Office Branch.
Abu Dhabi Municipality building,Salam Street. U.A.E

Good day Friend,

I am pleased to get across to you with a very urgent and profitable business proposal, you might receive this message in your email In-box or Spam email, this message is real and confidential. I need your assistance in this urgent matter. I got your e-mail address on the Internet while browsing and after that, i decided to contact you and ask for your assistance in this urgent matter that requires trust and confidentiality.

I am Mr Ahmed Mukhtar. The Branch Manager National Bank of Abu Dhabi Municipality Cash-Office Branch. Abu Dhabi Municipality building, Salam Street. PO Box 46175, (UNITED ARAB EMIRATES),Married with four Kids.

I am writing this proposal to ask for your support and cooperation to carry out this deal opportunity in my department. On June 6, 1999, an America Oil consultant/contractor with Petroleum Corporation,Mr Thomas Stone, made a numbered time (fixed) deposit for twelve calendar months, Valued at US$12,000,000.00 (Twelve Million United State Dollars in my branch upon maturity. I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Petroleum Corporation that Mr Thomas Stone, died in the plane crash On October 31, 1999,( an Egyptian Boeing 767 Flight 990 ) with other passengers on board as you can confirm it yourself via the website below.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/1999/11/01/iran/main49778.shtml

Most astonishing of my discovery was that,all records bear no next of kin, meaning no member of Mr Thomas Stone, family knows about the deposit therefore, no member of his family will ever come forward to claim the money, in order for the bank not to transfer the said sum of Twelve Million United State Dollars ($12,000,000.00) as unclaimed funds to the emirates treasury account, the above stated funds most be claimed immediately by somebody standing in as late Mr Thomas Stone.

Next of Kin, According to (UNITED ARAB EMIRATES LAW), at the expiration of 15 (Fiften) years, the money will be revert to the ownership of the (UNITED ARAB EMIRATES) Government if nobody applies to claim the fund. This revelation is only known to me because i was his personal account officer before i was posted to become the branch manager, now i seek your cooperation to act as next of kin to late Mr Thomas Stone, to claim the funds and move them into useful investments, we shall split the cash between our self upon the confirmation of the money into your Bank account.

I am ready to offer you 40% of the total funds and 55% for me while 5% will be set aside for any expenses that might be incurred during the transaction.

Please note that by virtue of my position in the bank, i have worked out perfect modality as well as i shall provide the relevant information and documents for the successful claiming and transfer of the funds into the account that will be provided by you. I cannot stand in the forefront of this transaction because i work with the bank ,that is why i have come to you for assistance, be rest assured that this deal involves no risk , upon the receiving of your acceptance mail . I will like you to provide me with the following details to : (mrahmed.mukhta@aol.com)

(1) Your Valid Direct Tel/ Mobile/Fax Number.
(2) Your Full Name:
(3) Current Resident Address.
(4) Your Private E-mail Address.
(5) Your Occupation:
(6) Your Age and Sex:
(7) Your Nationality:

Then i shall furnish you with due process of concluding this transaction without any delay. Please discard this message if you are not interested and keep this deal TOP SECRET ONLY BETWEEN YOU AND ME. One Passionate appeal, i will make to you is not to discuss this matter with anybody, if you have any reasons to reject this offer, please and please destroy this message as any Leakage of this information will be too bad for me at my work place as the Branch Manager National Bank of Abu Dhabi, here in U.A.E and that is why i can’t use my official email address to contact you for security purpose, i had to open a private email address which is (mrahmed.mukhta@aol.com) for this transaction alone while we will be dealing through the email till we could meet in person and i will provide you my direct phone number in my second letter.

Thanks for your kind understanding.

Mr Ahmed Mukhtar.
Branch Manager National Bank of Abu Dhabi
Municipality Cash-Office Branch.Abu Dhabi
Municipality building, Salam Street.

From the annals of the Profanisaurus

twat hour
n. The times of day, typically around 8.30 am and 3.30 pm, when every road near any school in Britain is brought to a halt by large numbers of parents attempting to reverse their enormous off-road vehicles into 8-foot parking spaces.

Sorry I’m so late. I hit twat hour just as I turned onto St Paul’s Road, Cambridge. I was stuck outside Sancton Wood School for two hours while some fuckwit drove her VW Touareg backwards and forwards 635 times without turning the steering wheel in the hope that it might somehow magic the thing into the fucking space.’

From the Viz Profanisaurus: Das Krapital app for iPhone

From the annals of the Profanisaurus

big mac
1. n. A disappointing hamburger, consisting of two tired, grey pieces of meat, random, sorry-looking vegetation and traces of unidentified mayonnaise-like liquid.

2. n. A high street fast food that looks and tastes like 1.

3. n. A carefully chosen, artfully lit and meticulously composed photograph of the sort used by a rough female on a social networking site to ensure that her image is as misleadingly attractive to the eye as possible. Named after the laughably-unrealistic burger photographs displayed above the counters of certain litigious fast food restaurants, that bear scant resemblance to the dishevelled objects their customers find in the box after purchase.

From the Viz Profanisaurus: Das Krapital app for iPhone

I exist to serve and ensure your IT has everything you need for a productive day’s work

Annotate,   Print
Subject Request for Administrator Pass… Group
Status Closed Technician Neil
Created 20/10 14:50 Customer Productive Drone (p.drone@email.com)
Closed 10:19 Access key [Removed]
Productive Drone
[xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx]
20/10 14:50
Location: [Removed]
Phone: [Removed]Hi,
I would like to have the administrator password of my computer, I want to install some software, during any instalation it asks for administrator password.
I am looking forward to hear from you.
Best Regards,
Productive Drone
Neil Couper
[xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx]
10:15
Hi

Please can you supply more information about the software you want to install and we can then decide on the best way to proceed.

Thanks

Productive Drone
[xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx]
10:19
Hi,
Many thanks for your response, I have fixed my problem, I was going to install itune software, but someone in our department helped me.
thanks you again,
regards,
Productive Drone

Now… he thinks the matter is closed when in fact I now have to go and track down the mysterious Good Samaritan who is helping to install any old arse software software willy nilly on department kit. Then hurt them.