Category Archives: General Twattery

Popbitch – 11.07.13 Issue 650

(It wasn’t me!)


The Phantom Penis Penner strikes!

From the dreariness of the show, you wouldn’t know that anyone on The Voice had a personality – but one of the contestants obviously did. He used his time on the show to secretly draw cock and balls all over the set. Signs, graphics, walls – everything got a large dick etched on it.

The producers went nuts – ordered the set to be completely cleaned. Time passed, new graphics and signs were made and the team were quietly pleased when the Phantom Penis Penner was eliminated. Until one day, towards the end of the show, they went for a meeting in a quiet room at the back of the studio, closed the door… and saw a huge penis drawn all over it.

From Popbitch

From the Desk of Lapointe Carman on behalf of President Good-luck Jonathan

From the Desk of Lapointe Carman
Chairman, Contract Verification/Review Panel and Foreign Debt Payment

Dear Beneficiary,

The Federal Government of Nigeria has been seriously warned by the United States Government, International Monetary Fund (IMF), World Bank, United Nations (UN) and other international bodies to make sure we settle most of our outstanding foreign debts we owed to Next of Kin’s.

Fund Beneficiaries and foreign contractors that executed contract with us In light of this, this present administration under the auspices of the new Civilian Head of State (President Good-luck Jonathan)the President and Commander in Chief of Armed Forces Federal Republic of Nigeria within Five days on assumption of office set up this panel to review, verify and to settle all outstanding legitimate foreign debts the Federal Government of Nigeria owed to next of kin’s and foreign contractors that executed contract with the Federal Government of Nigeria for the past five years.

A very surprising record was discovered in your payment file that is why you have not been contacted about this since then. Records showed that your inheritance payment has been approved four times and duly completed two times.

Also we found out that these funds totaling (Two Million United States Dollars) was transferred directly from the central bank of Nigeria to the below stated bank account on your authorization. This has now resulted in bringing the USA ,British and Australian Government into the case and we really want you to explain to us what you know about this transfer/payment.

A/C #: USD114-102-5567-8


Help us to help you, If not call me immediately you receive this message today on my direct number or send me a details email disclaiming the information so that you will be issued with claim identification code (CIC) which will help you to secure your claim and payment from fraudulent officials.

And also you will be advised and guided accordingly on how you will receive your legitimate fund entitlement from the Nigerian Government, which will be credited into your nominated bank account within 24hours from when you present the Change of Ownership certificate fee valued at 20$ to enable us get you your legal empowerment and release your funds since there is no cost to transfer funds . Be informed your FUNDS is also program in an ATM Card and ready to be delivered soon as Change of Ownership Cert is procured only.

  1. Your Full Name:
  2. Your Direct Telephone
  3. Fax Number N/A
  4. Your Residential Address:

Thanks for your anticipated cooperation,
Yours’ truly.

Call +234 81 66 382 645
Lapointe Carman

(The Chairman of Contract Verification/Review Panel and Foreign Debt Payment)

Seems Legit

My Dear Friend,

As you read this, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I Believe Everyone will die someday. My name is Mr. Richard Andre I have been diagnosed with O esophageal cancer.I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give alms to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the Oman, Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.

I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves.Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them. The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of thirteen million united state dollars $13,000,000 that I have in England from a contract i did with for amex.

I dont know how much time i have got to live and i would like to entrust my dying wish to you so you can help me make them true and to make things fair you can control 30% of the funds which should be ok for you and the rest for my last wish .

From the annals of the Profanisaurus

n. Also known as brown Star Wars. A turd of such epic proportions it has to be released in three instalments. The first can stand on its own as a complete adventure. The second links to the first, but has a dark, inconclusive feel generating an air of foreboding and leaving itself wide open for an unknown ending. The final chapter has drama, excitement and moments where you think all is lost. A grand battle is waged where good overcomes evil and peace is restored in your arse.

From the Viz Profanisaurus: Das Krapital app for iPhone

I’d be an idiot to let this pass

From The Desk of Mr Ahmed Mukhtar.
Branch Manager National Bank of Abu Dhabi
Municipality Cash-Office Branch.
Abu Dhabi Municipality building,Salam Street. U.A.E

Good day Friend,

I am pleased to get across to you with a very urgent and profitable business proposal, you might receive this message in your email In-box or Spam email, this message is real and confidential. I need your assistance in this urgent matter. I got your e-mail address on the Internet while browsing and after that, i decided to contact you and ask for your assistance in this urgent matter that requires trust and confidentiality.

I am Mr Ahmed Mukhtar. The Branch Manager National Bank of Abu Dhabi Municipality Cash-Office Branch. Abu Dhabi Municipality building, Salam Street. PO Box 46175, (UNITED ARAB EMIRATES),Married with four Kids.

I am writing this proposal to ask for your support and cooperation to carry out this deal opportunity in my department. On June 6, 1999, an America Oil consultant/contractor with Petroleum Corporation,Mr Thomas Stone, made a numbered time (fixed) deposit for twelve calendar months, Valued at US$12,000,000.00 (Twelve Million United State Dollars in my branch upon maturity. I sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his contract employers, the Petroleum Corporation that Mr Thomas Stone, died in the plane crash On October 31, 1999,( an Egyptian Boeing 767 Flight 990 ) with other passengers on board as you can confirm it yourself via the website below.

Most astonishing of my discovery was that,all records bear no next of kin, meaning no member of Mr Thomas Stone, family knows about the deposit therefore, no member of his family will ever come forward to claim the money, in order for the bank not to transfer the said sum of Twelve Million United State Dollars ($12,000,000.00) as unclaimed funds to the emirates treasury account, the above stated funds most be claimed immediately by somebody standing in as late Mr Thomas Stone.

Next of Kin, According to (UNITED ARAB EMIRATES LAW), at the expiration of 15 (Fiften) years, the money will be revert to the ownership of the (UNITED ARAB EMIRATES) Government if nobody applies to claim the fund. This revelation is only known to me because i was his personal account officer before i was posted to become the branch manager, now i seek your cooperation to act as next of kin to late Mr Thomas Stone, to claim the funds and move them into useful investments, we shall split the cash between our self upon the confirmation of the money into your Bank account.

I am ready to offer you 40% of the total funds and 55% for me while 5% will be set aside for any expenses that might be incurred during the transaction.

Please note that by virtue of my position in the bank, i have worked out perfect modality as well as i shall provide the relevant information and documents for the successful claiming and transfer of the funds into the account that will be provided by you. I cannot stand in the forefront of this transaction because i work with the bank ,that is why i have come to you for assistance, be rest assured that this deal involves no risk , upon the receiving of your acceptance mail . I will like you to provide me with the following details to : (

(1) Your Valid Direct Tel/ Mobile/Fax Number.
(2) Your Full Name:
(3) Current Resident Address.
(4) Your Private E-mail Address.
(5) Your Occupation:
(6) Your Age and Sex:
(7) Your Nationality:

Then i shall furnish you with due process of concluding this transaction without any delay. Please discard this message if you are not interested and keep this deal TOP SECRET ONLY BETWEEN YOU AND ME. One Passionate appeal, i will make to you is not to discuss this matter with anybody, if you have any reasons to reject this offer, please and please destroy this message as any Leakage of this information will be too bad for me at my work place as the Branch Manager National Bank of Abu Dhabi, here in U.A.E and that is why i can’t use my official email address to contact you for security purpose, i had to open a private email address which is ( for this transaction alone while we will be dealing through the email till we could meet in person and i will provide you my direct phone number in my second letter.

Thanks for your kind understanding.

Mr Ahmed Mukhtar.
Branch Manager National Bank of Abu Dhabi
Municipality Cash-Office Branch.Abu Dhabi
Municipality building, Salam Street.

From the annals of the Profanisaurus

twat hour
n. The times of day, typically around 8.30 am and 3.30 pm, when every road near any school in Britain is brought to a halt by large numbers of parents attempting to reverse their enormous off-road vehicles into 8-foot parking spaces.

Sorry I’m so late. I hit twat hour just as I turned onto St Paul’s Road, Cambridge. I was stuck outside Sancton Wood School for two hours while some fuckwit drove her VW Touareg backwards and forwards 635 times without turning the steering wheel in the hope that it might somehow magic the thing into the fucking space.’

From the Viz Profanisaurus: Das Krapital app for iPhone

From the annals of the Profanisaurus

big mac
1. n. A disappointing hamburger, consisting of two tired, grey pieces of meat, random, sorry-looking vegetation and traces of unidentified mayonnaise-like liquid.

2. n. A high street fast food that looks and tastes like 1.

3. n. A carefully chosen, artfully lit and meticulously composed photograph of the sort used by a rough female on a social networking site to ensure that her image is as misleadingly attractive to the eye as possible. Named after the laughably-unrealistic burger photographs displayed above the counters of certain litigious fast food restaurants, that bear scant resemblance to the dishevelled objects their customers find in the box after purchase.

From the Viz Profanisaurus: Das Krapital app for iPhone